ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
