and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
