i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
