WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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