my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
