She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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