I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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