He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
