I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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