You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
