Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
