She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
