I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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