I will die if light touches me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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