someone threw a dead crab at me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
