here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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