I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
