It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
