is your mom at the bar?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
