If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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