I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
