forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
