My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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