What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
