my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
