good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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