Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
