I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
