I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
