operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
