uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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