the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
