I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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