What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
