Sacagawea was the original milf.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
