omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
