this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
