he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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