my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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