Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
