Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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