Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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