onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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