I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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