DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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