well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You're like the curious george of whores
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
