In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
