i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
