We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
