I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
