It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I could fuck to npr.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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