Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
