i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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