i would punch a child for taco bell
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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